What Actually Happens in an IFS Session

Most people come to therapy because something feels stuck. They've tried to change, tried to feel different, and somehow keep ending up in the same place. They tell me they know what they're supposed to do, they just can't seem to do it.

When I explain that we'll be working with parts, I get a few different reactions. Some people nod immediately, like something just clicked into place. Others look a bit uncertain, maybe worried they're about to be diagnosed with something serious. A few think I'm talking about body parts.

I'm not. I'm talking about the different voices inside you. The one that says you should push through versus the one that wants to collapse. The part that's furious versus the part that just wants everyone to be okay. The critic, the protector, the frightened kid who never got what they needed.

You already know these parts exist. You've felt them argue. You've noticed how you can be two completely different people depending on the situation. Internal Family Systems just gives us a way to work with that reality instead of trying to override it.

The First Few Minutes

We usually start with whatever brought you into the room that day. Not the reason you're in therapy overall, just what's alive right now. Maybe you had a fight with your partner last night. Maybe you woke up feeling dread and don't know why. Maybe you're carrying something you've been trying not to think about.

I'll ask you to notice what's here. Not to fix it or understand it, just to notice. Where do you feel it in your body? What does it want to say? That noticing, that turning toward what's present instead of away from it, is the trailhead. It's where the work begins.

A trailhead isn't a destination. It's just the entry point into the system. The feeling, the thought, the memory, the tension in your chest. Whatever shows up is the part that needs attention right now.

How We Work With Parts

Once we find a part, the next step is to see if you can separate from it just enough to be curious about it. Not to push it away or control it. Just to create a little space between you and it so we can understand what it's doing.

This is what we call unblending. When a part is blended, it feels like the whole of you. I'm anxious. I'm angry. I'm worthless. When it unblends, even slightly, the language shifts. A part of me feels anxious. There's a part that's really angry. Something in me believes I'm worthless.

That shift, from I am to a part of me, changes everything. It means you're no longer fused with the feeling. You can observe it, ask it questions, find out what it's trying to protect you from.

Some parts unblend easily. You ask them to step back a bit and they do. Others won't budge. They're too scared, too convinced that if they relax for even a moment, something terrible will happen. When that's the case, we don't force it. We talk directly to the part. I lend my calm, my presence, my curiosity to your system until the part trusts enough to let you back in.

This is called direct access, and it's one of the most important tools we have when working with trauma. Your brain might be offline in that moment. The part might have completely taken over. My job is to be the auxiliary brain, the steady presence that can hold space when your own system can't.

What Self-Led Actually Means

When parts step back, even a little, something else emerges. It's not another part. It's not a technique you learned or a coping skill you're applying. It's just you. Calm, curious, clear. Compassionate toward the part that was just overwhelming you.

We call this Self-energy, and it's not something you have to create or earn. It's already there. It's been there the whole time, underneath all the noise and effort and protection.

Self-led doesn't mean the parts disappear. It means they trust you enough to let you lead. The anxious part relaxes because it knows you're paying attention. The angry part softens because it feels heard. The young part that's been alone for decades finally has someone present with it.

People often ask me what it feels like when this happens. It's hard to describe, but most people know it when they experience it. Your breathing deepens. Your chest opens. You feel more connected to yourself and to me in the room. There's less effort, less bracing, less trying to hold it all together. It's like the difference between being in the middle of a storm and watching the storm from a safe place. The storm is still there, but you're not drowning in it anymore.

The Difference Between Talking About Parts and Meeting Them

You can spend years talking about your anxiety, your anger, your shame. Analysing where it came from, why it's there, what it means. That kind of insight has value, but it's not the same as actually being with the part.

Meeting a part means slowing down enough to feel it, to let it show you what it's carrying, to hear what it's been trying to tell you all this time. It means you stop treating it as a problem to solve and start treating it as something that makes sense.

When you meet a part this way, something shifts at a level that insight alone can't touch. The part feels seen. It feels understood. And when that happens, it doesn't have to work so hard anymore. It can rest.

This is why IFS isn't just talking. It's relational work happening inside you. The parts aren't just concepts or metaphors. They're real aspects of your experience that have been waiting, sometimes for decades, to be known.

What Changes Afterward

After a session where we've worked with a part, people often tell me they feel lighter. Not because the problem is gone, but because they're no longer at war with themselves. The part that was overwhelming them isn't the enemy anymore. It's just a part of them that's been doing its best to keep them safe.

Sometimes the changes are immediate. A part that was driving compulsive behaviour relaxes, and the behaviour just stops. Other times, it's slower. The part needs more than one session to trust that you're actually going to stay present with it this time.

Either way, what changes is the relationship. Between you and the part. Between the part and the rest of your system. Between all of it and me, sitting with you in the room.

That's what IFS does. It creates space for those relationships to heal. Not by forcing anything, not by trying to get rid of what's difficult, but by turning toward it with curiosity and care.

If you're curious about working this way, I'm here. I work with people in Caringbah and online, and we go at your pace. No part of you is a problem. We meet what shows up, and we go from there. Book a session and we'll start with whatever's alive in the room that day.