Why Healing on Your Own Is Difficult

The Power of Co-Regulation in Healing by Wade Eames

co-regulation

We live in a world that values two things in healing: independence and speed. We hear messages encouraging us to push through, get better, and rely on ourselves. Meanwhile, we’re bombarded with distractions disguised as support. Another podcast, another tool, another insight, or another breathwork app—all can contribute to a culture of overdoing.

The reality is different. Most people I work with are not struggling due to lack of effort. Instead, they struggle because they have been doing too much, too fast, for too long. They’ve done all this without ever cultivating a sense of safety. Healing with an overwhelmed nervous system, while feeling alone, hardly leads to success. It's not about trying harder; it's about slowing down enough to truly feel. Most of us can’t achieve this alone, as we were never meant to.

The Burden of Hyper-Independence

The belief that we should be able to fix ourselves in isolation runs deep. We often praise hyper-independence as a form of strength. However, this belief can mask the truth—that many have learned to cope without support out of necessity. They think they need to keep it together, get on with life, and stop asking for help. This toughness often conceals grief—the grief of unmet needs, support that never came, and feelings left unexpressed.

It is understandable that healing feels foreign when it involves another person. We’ve been conditioned to believe, "I should be able to handle this." However, the reality is simpler: you were never meant to carry the load by yourself.

Understanding Co-Regulation

Co-regulation is more than a therapeutic concept; it is a fundamental human need. When we face distress, we instinctively reach for connection. Being supported by someone who is calm, grounded, and present allows our nervous system to respond positively. Our breath deepens, our hearts slow, and we begin to reconnect with ourselves. This process, known as co-regulation, is something we experience from infancy with our caregivers. It's a wiring embedded in our very nature throughout our lives.

Unfortunately, many grow up without consistent attunement. This lack can lead to confusing independence with survival. Survival mode often prioritizes enduring pain over healing. We do not learn to regulate by being left alone; instead, we learn when someone steps in to sit with us during our struggles. Over time, this capacity to regulate becomes a part of who we are.

The Limitations of Insight

Insight is indeed valuable. Still, insight alone does not always create change, especially when we operate from a place of survival. Before we can reframe, rewrite, or rewire our experiences, our bodies need to recognize that they are safe. This is why people can engage in extensive inner work and read countless books but still find themselves feeling stuck. They often overlook the essential step: regulation.

Not just self-regulation, but co-regulation—allowing someone else to help ground us.

The Role of Therapy in Healing

Therapy often creates an environment for co-regulation for the first time. It’s not that therapists possess magical words. They simply exist in a state of calm and attunement. They are not there to fix but to stay present. That presence can shift something within us that we didn’t even realize was still bracing against life.

In our current overstimulated world filled with noise, our nervous systems become overwhelmed. The prevailing message suggests that more is the answer: more action, more information, more breakthroughs. However, for a nervous system already on edge, stimulation is not the solution—it is the source of the problem.

Regulating Before Stimulating

Before we can stimulate ourselves toward growth and healing, we must first focus on regulation. This means creating space and connecting with someone who can help us feel safe enough to stop running. We need to breathe, to feel, and to remember what it’s like to exhale fully. From this space, healing doesn’t become a battle. Instead, it unfolds gently, one moment at a time.

Seeking Support

If this resonates with you or reflects where you are in your healing journey, I encourage you to reach out. At Next Steps Counselling, this is the heart of our work. It is slow, relational, and deeply regulating. Remember, you don’t have to navigate your journey alone.

Explore more about our approach at Next Steps Counselling. Healing is not just an individual endeavor; together, we can find the way back to safety and balance.