Men, Addiction, and the Search for Meaning: Reflections from the Therapy Room
- wade160
- Mar 23
- 3 min read
By Wade Eames, Counsellor
When working with men in addiction recovery, I’ve often heard them speak of their addiction not just as a habit or a coping mechanism, but as a whole personality that lives inside them. They describe it as something distinct—an inner presence with its own rules, voice, and agenda.
What’s striking is how closely their identity—especially their masculine identity—is often bound up with this inner figure. There’s confusion about who they are without it. It’s as though the addiction provided them with a clear script for how to be a man: strong, tough, loyal to the brotherhood, unflinching in the face of pain, and always in control. Or at least appearing to be.
Many men have shared that addiction gave them more than just a way to numb pain—it gave them a sense of meaning and purpose, even if it was distorted. It gave them a role to play. A sense of acceptance. Companionship. It met the craving for identity when they hadn’t been shown how to build one healthily.
Beneath that persona, though, I’ve often found pain. Grief. Loss. Unspoken trauma. A deep fear of rejection or failure. And in recovery, as those layers begin to come off, what’s left behind is often a question most haven’t been equipped to answer:
“Who am I without this?”
"This Group of Men Gave Me Meaning"
I remember a moment during group work when a male client began to speak openly about his sexuality—something he had never shared before. When I gently asked what made him choose that moment to open up, he paused and said:
“Because I feel accepted here. This group of men… you gave me meaning and purpose—not just in recovery, but in who I am. And I wanted to honour that by being honest. By letting you see all of me.”
It wasn’t just about addiction anymore. It was about identity. Connection. Integrity. He wasn’t looking for approval; he was reclaiming parts of himself he had buried. What struck me most was that the catalyst for this transformation wasn't a treatment module or a worksheet—it was the presence of other men who listened, without judgement. In that circle, he found what the addiction had always promised but never delivered: belonging.
"I Want to Show Them What’s Possible"
One client I worked with shared an experience in group that marked a quiet turning point for him. He’d started to feel responsible for the newer men entering the space. He told us:
“I want to look out for them. Show them what this group gave me. How much I’ve grown. I want them to feel what I felt.”
It wasn’t said with ego—it was said with humility and care. This wasn’t the kind of responsibility that had weighed him down in the past. It wasn’t about obligation or guilt. It was purpose. For the first time, he saw himself not as broken, but as someone capable of guiding others. And in doing so, he anchored his own recovery even more deeply.
Rebuilding Identity Through Connection
In my work with men navigating addiction, I’ve learned that healing isn’t just about sobriety. It’s about identity reconstruction. It's about dismantling old, rigid ideas of masculinity—where silence is strength and pain is weakness—and replacing them with something truer, more connected, and more human.
Meaning doesn’t come from avoiding responsibility—it comes from choosing it. Purpose isn’t a grand revelation—it’s often born in small, quiet moments: sitting in a circle, being honest, showing up for others, and learning to stay.
And sometimes, the most powerful therapeutic intervention isn’t a technique—it’s simply a group of men, sitting together, telling the truth.
If This Spoke to You
If you or someone you care about is navigating addiction, identity, or the weight of unspoken pain—know that you're not alone. At Next Steps, we offer a space where men can begin to unpack these layers with compassion, honesty, and support.Reach out if you're ready. We'll meet you where you are.
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