The Quiet Power of Responsibility in Therapy

By Wade Eames,

In therapy, people often say things like “I can’t get out of this toxic relationship” or “I just keep ending up in the same place.” But beneath those statements, I often hear a quieter truth: “I won’t.” That’s not to shame anyone—it’s simply a shift in clarity. There’s a big difference between can’t and won’t, and the moment someone begins to feel that difference, something important happens: they start to take responsibility.

Not responsibility in the moral sense—not about blame or being a “good” person—but a deeper kind. The kind where we begin to recognise that we’re not just being acted upon by life… we’re also participating in it. That we’re not just victims of our circumstances—we’re co-authors. And that means we have a say.

This is where therapy gets real.

Awareness Comes First

We don’t get to responsibility without awareness. And awareness—honest, felt, sometimes painful awareness—is where I see real change begin.

I’m not talking about awareness as insight or something cognitive. I’m talking about the moment someone truly sees their own patterns for what they are. When they realise they’ve been choosing to stay stuck—not because they want to suffer, but because it was familiar, or because staying served a purpose they hadn’t yet named.

That moment can be confronting. But it’s also liberating.

"I cannot perceive something if I cannot conceive it."— Rollo May

Until someone can conceive of a different way of being—until they can imagine that something else is possible—they simply won’t see it. And so a big part of the therapeutic process is holding space for new ways of thinking, relating, and choosing to emerge.

Responsibility Means Response-Ability

When we talk about responsibility in the therapy room, I don’t mean burden or guilt. I mean something closer to response-ability—the capacity to respond to our own thoughts, emotions, patterns, and relationships with awareness and integrity.

• You’re not responsible for your trauma, but you are responsible for how you carry it now.

• You’re not responsible for how others behave, but you are responsible for how you choose to stay, react, or retreat.

• You’re not responsible for what you feel, but you are responsible for how you move through it.

When Responsibility Gets Inverted

It’s common to see people in therapy take on too much responsibility—but not for themselves. Instead, they take on responsibility for other people’s feelings, behaviours, and reactions. And at the same time, they’ll avoid responsibility for their own needs, boundaries, and truths.

This often starts in childhood, when keeping others emotionally regulated was tied to survival or acceptance. That survival pattern can become the template for adulthood—overfunctioning, caretaking, absorbing blame.

Part of the work in therapy is gently reversing that:Learning to let others be responsible for their reactions.And learning to stand in ownership of our own.

The Process: Awareness → Responsibility → Choice → Decision → Action

Change doesn’t happen in one leap. It happens gradually, like stars appearing in a night sky—each one lighting up the next.

1. Awareness: Seeing what’s actually happening, without distortion.

2. Responsibility: Recognising your role in it—not to judge, but to own.

3. Choice: Realising you are not powerless.

4. Decision: Making a clear inner commitment to a different direction.

5. Action: Taking aligned steps, however small.

When someone says, “I just knew I couldn’t go back,” they’re describing this process—often without even realising it.

A Client Reflection

A client once told me, “I don’t think I’m addicted to the person—I think I’m addicted to who I become when I’m with them.” That landed hard. We didn’t start by trying to get him out of the relationship. We started by getting honest about what being in that relationship meant to him—what it offered emotionally, what it covered over, and what it cost.

When he started to take responsibility to himself, something shifted. Not in a dramatic way—but in a grounded, steady way. He didn’t just leave the relationship. He outgrew the version of himself that needed it.

Responsibility Is Ongoing

Responsibility isn’t something we arrive at and tick off. It’s something we return to, over and over again. Some days with clarity. Other days with resistance. But it’s always there, quietly asking:

Who do I want to be?And what am I willing to face in order to become that person?

"Only I can change the world I created."We don’t create ourselves or our world once and for all.This kind of responsibility is continuous.And if we are responsible for how we’ve shaped our past, then we are also responsible for how we shape what comes next.

This idea is influenced by Irvin Yalom’s work—the belief that we are the authors of our own lives, and that with this authorship comes both the burden and the freedom to write a new chapter. It’s not always comfortable. But it is empowering.

If This Spoke to You

Therapy isn’t about fixing you. It’s about helping you see more clearly, take back authorship of your life, and live with more intention and integrity.

At Next Steps, we walk alongside people who are ready to stop running from themselves—and start turning toward the life they actually want to live.

You don’t need to have all the answers. You just need to be willing to begin.

👉 www.nextsteps.au